I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
