my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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