i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
