Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
