dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
