when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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