she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
