if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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