good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
