I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
