This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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