Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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