Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
