we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize