fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize