I have demons in me.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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