Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
