I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
