i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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