You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
