I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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