We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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