I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize