guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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