I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
