I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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