i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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