She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
