This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize