1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
