SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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