On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My penis needs a shock collar
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
