Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
