Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize