TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
