i jhust puked up my retainher.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize