No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
