this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
