Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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