we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
