I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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