I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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