I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
