I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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