Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize