Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
