In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
