Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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