3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
