I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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