omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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