I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
