need another drink. this is the easiest way
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
