put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
