The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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