when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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