if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
