My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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