Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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