kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize