I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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