Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
