He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
