Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
