every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize