I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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