I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
