Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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